At the ripe old age of 26 I have discovered a hard truth about being an "adult". Mainly, I have discovered one of the few things that kind of sucks about being an adult. Let me enlighten you.
-Money. Mainly not having any. Under the umbrella of money falls things such as mortgage payments, medical bills, utilities, grocery bills, vet bills... you see where I am going with this. Basically, while it sucks not having money, it sucks even more that the money you do have has to go towards things that are decidedly un-fun.
As I've mentioned before, right now I am only working part-time. This was a choice we made, thinking it would be the best comprimise so that I was still bringing in some income, but was also able to spend a majority of my time at home with the baby. But it's getting hard. I don't know how much longer we are going to be able to do it. Every month is a struggle and we are seriously having to make some changes and cut stuff out. That means we make a pot of soup on Monday and eat it all week. We don't eat out anymore, or go out for drinks. S cancelled his gym membership. I'm not able to join stroller strides. We only buy the essentails at the grocery store, no wine, no snack food, no yummy odowalla drinks. And, like I said, it sucks. I hate it. I miss our old lifestyle, where we could go to the movies or go to happy hour and not think anything of it. I miss eating out on the weekends. I really miss shopping.
And I hate that we can't do more fun stuff for L. I really wanted to enroll him in a busy bodies or gymboree class, but we can't afford it. I want to be able to buy him cute outfits or fun toys when I see them. And I know that he doesn't need this stuff. He is happy and healthy and loved. But it doesn't change that I want to be able to give him these things.
But, while I desperately would like the stability and comfort of actually having money again, the thought of having to go back to work full time makes me short of breath and my heart pound. I do not want to, in fact I don't know if I even can, be away from L all day. I love our daycare, I love our daycare teacher, but I don't want daycare raising my son. I live for the moment that I get off work at noon and I rush over to pick him up. I love that when he sees me he smiles and reaches for me and I know that we have an entire afternoon of cuddles and giggles and playtime ahead of us.
So this is our "trial month". We are cutting everything out, living bare bones, and seeing if we can make this work. I've put in an application at our daycare for a teachers aid in the afternoons, it wouldn't pay much but it would give us a discount (and truthfully, it's childcare that is killing us) and I would still sort of be with L. We are also looking at a different daycare that is cheaper, but I really don't want to move L after he just got settled at the current daycare. I am also going to put in an application for a teachers aid at that facility. Our only other option is for me to get a serving job. That way I could go to work once S got home. I served all through college, and I enjoyed it, but it would be difficult. I would have to work dinner shift which means at the earliest I would be getting off at 10 or 11 and not geting home till 11 or 12 and would still have to be up at 5:30 to get ready and out of the house on time. Most of my experience is working in bars, and that is great money, but then I wouldn't be getting off till between 12 and 2. Getting a serving job would also mean giving up my weekends, which are the only true time the three of us have as a family right now.
So we will see. Hopefully we can cut some things out and make a few changes and we can stay with the way things are now. Or maybe we will win the lottery (hey, a girl can dream!). But in the end, we will do whatever needs to be done for the good of the family. And if that means giving up my cuddle time in the afternoons or giving up my sleep to serve at night, then that's what I will do. But, that doesn't mean I will be happy about it and it doesn't mean I won't cry and vent and maybe punch a pillow or two at the unfairness of life and adulthood. And after I get that out I will look at my baby boy and know that all of this is for him. And he will smile that cute little crinkly nose smile at me and make me feel better in a way that no one else can. And we will get through this, because that is the only option.
Wish us luck.